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Jokes 3

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline, it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
- Frank Zappa -

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.
- Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI -

Give me a woman who loves beer, and I will conquer the world.
- Kaiser Welhelm -

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
- Homer Simpson -

There was this party in the woods, and all of a sudden there was a downpour of thunder and rain.

These two young men ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, finally reaching their car just as the rain let up.

They jumped in the car, started it up, and headed down the road, laughing, and of course, still drinking one beer after the other.

All of a sudden an old man's face appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly on the window!! The passenger screamed out, "eeeeekkkk!! Look out my window!! There's an old guy's face there!!" (was this a ghost!?!?!?!)

This old man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well open the window a little, and ask him what he wants!"

So the passenger rolled his window down part way and said, scared out of his wits, "What do you want????"

The old man softly replied, "Do you have any tobacco?"

The passenger terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants tobacco!"

Well offer him a cigarette! "HURRY!!!!" the driver replies.

So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette. He then yells "Step on it!!!!!, rolling up the window in terror!

Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and they start laughing again, and the passenger says, "What do you think of that?"

The driver says, "I don't know? How could that be? I am going pretty fast!"

Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock on the window, and there is the old man again. "Aaaaaaaaaaa", there he is again!" the passenger yells.

"Well see what he wants now!" yells back the driver.

He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says, "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.

The passenger throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window and yells, "STEP ON IT!!"

They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden, again there is more knocking!

"Oh my God!!!" HE"S BACK!!! he rolls down the window and screams out,"WHAT DO YOU WANT!?!?!? in stark fear.

The old man gently replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"

This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party. So he says to his new wife:

"Honey, I'll be right back......."

"Where are you going coochi cooh...?" asks, the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face." "I'm going to go have a beer."

The wife puts her hands on her hips and says to him: "You want a beer my love....?"Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc......

The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is: "Yes, loolie, loolie...but the bar...you know...the frozen glass..."

He didn't get to finish saying the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying: "You want a frozen glass puppy face....? "She takes out of the freezer a huge beer mug so frozen that the wife was getting the chills from holding it.

The husband looking a bit pale says: "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres poochi pooh...?" She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres...chicken wings, pigs in the blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.......

"But sweet honey...at the bar...you know... the swearing, the dirty words and all that............"

"You want dirty words cutie pie....HERE, DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR FUCKING FROZEN GLASS AND EAT YOUR FUCKING SHIT HORS D'OEUVRES, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!"

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place.

Man: "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going 80.(man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Harry. You've known about that taillight for weeks.(man gives his wife another dirty look.)

Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh, Harry. You never wear your seat belt.

Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!"

Officer turns to the woman and asks: Ma'am, does you husband talk to you this way all the time?

Wife: "No, only when he's drunk."

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry officer, I can't do that. I am asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death.

"Well then, we need a urine sample."

I'm sorry Officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk"

THE 5 STAGES OF DRUNKENESS

STAGE 1 - SMART
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

STAGE 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

STAGE 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cuz you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

STAGE 4 - BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you also challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH, and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

STAGE 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you. And because you're still SMART, you know all the words.

86 REASONS WHY A BEER IS BETTER THAN A MAN

1. A beer makes life easier.
2. A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up.
3. A beer lasts longer than seven seconds.
4. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling.
5. A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry.
6. A beer will never leave dirty socks on the floor.
7. A beer will never expect you to sit in the wet spot IT makes.
8. A beer doesn't care if you go shopping.
9. A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits.
10. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
11. A beer won't leave you for a younger woman.
12. A beer won't leave you for a younger man either.
13. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer.
14. Having a beer can't make you pregnant.
15. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
16. A beer will never smell like a man.
17. A beer doesn't wouldn't trade you in on a sports car.
18. If a beer did have a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you.
19. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
20. A beer doesn't sulk.
21. A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine.
22. A beer won't switch the TV channel.
23. A beer doesn't have to sleep with the windows open.
24. A beer doesn't snore.
25. A beer can't interrupt.
26. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburetor.
27. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
28. A beer doesn't belch.
29. Or fart.
30. A beer doesn't mind having pantyhose dry in the bathroom.
31. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
32. A good beer is easy to find.
33. Tall, dark, good-looking beers are common.
34. A beer can't pout.
35. A beer doesn't have a mother.
36. A beer doesn't have friends who will drink your beer.
37. A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car.
38. A beer won't get jealous if you enjoy another beer.
39. A beer won't even mind if you have another six pack.
40. A beer doesn't buy everything labelled "turbo".
41. A beer won't care if you gain five pounds.
42. A beer will be there for anytime of the month.
43. A beer doesn't want children.
44. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
45. A beer isn't ready until you're ready.
46. If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer.
47. A beer can't talk about the women who had it before you.
48. Hangovers go away.
49. A beer tastes good.
50. Having a beer doesn't make you want to take a shower.
51. A beer would never leave hair in the bottom of the bathtub.
52. A beer is never late.
53. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
54. A beer's life does not revolve around the world series.
55. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers' quarterback.
56. A beer won't even act amazed if you can.
57. A beer would never make fun of your new outfit.
58. A beer never needs a shave.
59. You don't have to let a beer win.
60. A beer doesn't care what toppings you get on the pizza.
61. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to sleep with a beer too.
62. A beer doesn't have morning breath.
63. A beer never wants to go to the drag races.
64. A beer is happy to go where ever you want to go.
65. A beer helps with the housework.
66. A beer will never drink the last beer.
67. A beer will never fumble with your bra.
68. You can't get herpes from a beer.
69. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it.
70. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first.
71. A beer is seldom messy.
72. When a beer is finished, it doesn't roll over and go to sleep.
73. After you've had a beer, all you're committed to doing is throwing out the container.
74. A beer container is recyclable.
75. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom.
76. A beer will NEVER call you "Babe". Or "Sugar".
77. A beer is never temperamental.
78. A beer will never complain about your cooking.
79. A cold beer is a good beer.
80. A beer is not kinky unless you want it to be kinky.
81. A beer will never worry about losing its hair.
82. A big, fat beer is nice to have.
83. A beer is never too sensitive.
84. A beer won't steal the covers.
85. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
86. A beer won't mind at all if you're not in the mood for beer.

WHY A BEER IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN

1. You can enjoy a beer all month long.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine beer.
4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you.
5. When a beer goes flat, you toss it.
6. There is NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO reason number six.
7. Hangovers go away.
8. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
11. Beer never had a headache.
12. After you have had a beer, the bottle is still worth 10 cents.
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
14. If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head.
15. You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.
16. A beer always goes down easy.
17. You can share a beer with your friends.
18. You always know you're the first one to pop a beer.
19. A beer is always wet.
20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
21. A beer doesn't care when you come home.
22. A frigid beer is a good beer.
24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
25. Beer always comes in multiples of six
26. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left
27. You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a beer
28. After you have a beer, you're committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle
29. A beer never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty
30. When your beer is gone, you just pop another
31. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod
32. Beer looks the same in the morning
33. Beer doesn't look you up in a month
34. Beer doesn't worry about someone walking in
35. Beer doesn't worry about waking the kids
36. Beer doesn't get cramps
37. Beer doesn't have a mother
38. Beer doesn't have morals
39. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month
40. Beer always listens and never argues
41. Beer labels don't go out of style every year
42. Beer doesn't whine, it bubbles
43. Beer doesn't have cold hands/feet
44. Beer doesn't demand legality
45. Beer is never overweight
46. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony
47. Beer won't run off with your credit cards
48. Beer doesn't have a lawyer
49. Beer doesn't need much closet space
50. Beer can't give your herpes or other nasty things
51. Beer doesn't complain about the way you drive
52. Beer doesn't mind if you fart or belch
53. Beer never changes it's mind
54. Beer doesn't tease you or play hard to get
55. Beer never asks you to change the station
56. Beer doesn't make you go shopping
57. Beer doesn't tell you to mow the grass
58. Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks
59. Big, fat beers are nice to have
60. Beer doesn't pout or play games
61. Beer NEVER says no
63. Beer never complains when you take it somewhere
64. Beer doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other beers
65. Beer doesn't wear a bra
66. Beer doesn't mind getting dirty
67. Beer doesn't complain about insensitivity
68. Beer doesn't use up your toilet paper
69. Beer doesn't live with its mother
70. Beer doesn't blow you off
71. Beer doesn't care if you have no culture or manners
72. Beer doesn't bitch, yell, or cry
73. Beer doesn't mind football season
74. Beer won't make you go to church.
75. Beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
76. Beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
77. A beer doesn't think DOS is pronounced "dose".
78. A beer doesn't give a [expletive deleted] if you keep a bunch of other beers around.
79. Beer is never late.
80. A beer will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials with the babies are "cute".
81. If a beer leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while.
82. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of "doberperson".
83. A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian folk music on yer fave radio station.
84. A beer won't claim that the Three Stooges are shitheads.
85. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat up.
86. If you mention a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" around a beer, it won't think you're talking about an enormous can of vegetable juice.
87. A beer won't whine that seat belts hurt.
88. A beer won't smoke in your car.
89. A beer won't argue that there's no difference between shooting down an unidentified aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner out of the sky.
90. A beer will never buy a car with automatic transmission.
91. A beer will actually _support_ belching and farting and share yer enthusiasm for getting them included as demonstration sports in the 1992 Olympic Games in Barcelona.
92. A beer is always ready to leave on time.
93. A beer never fishes for compliments.
94. Some beers (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits.
95. Beer tastes _good_.
96. If you take a beer outta the fridge just to look at it but then decide to drink it, the beer won't accuse you of "date rape".
97. A beer won't raise any objections to an evening of watching "John Holmes' Greatest Hits" on yer VCR.
98. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
99. A beer won't think the Circle Jerks are gross just because they're called the Circle Jerks. (They _are_ gross, but that's not why).
100. A beer won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the grocery store.
101. A beer won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Playboy "just for the articles". (You _are_ lying, but the beer won't accuse you of it).
102. A beer won't worry that you'll go to jail if you videotape a Giants game without the expressed, written consent of the National Football League.
103. A beer won't fill up your car with cheesy 85-octane gas with the excuse "but I saved a quarter!"
104. A beer will _never_ make you go to a Swedish movie.
105. A beer will _never_ make you turn off "Fists of Fury Theater" on channel 5 on Saturday afternoons.
106. A beer won't accuse you of being a sexist pig if you say "Gene Hackman" instead of "Gene Hackperson".
107. A beer won't make you eat some experimental vegetarian meal that tastes like STP Oil Treatment.
108. When you're through with a beer, the thought of another beer doesn't make you ill.
109. You don't have to say "I love you" to a beer.
110. You don't have to impress a beer.
111. You don't have to see your beer every night.
112. Beer goes on sale.