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Jokes 2

A three legged dog walks into a saloon, looks around, and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

This guy walks into a bar with a large bullfrog perched on his head. "Where the hell did you get that?" asked the barman. "Well, the bullfrog replied - you won't believe it but it started as this little wart on my ass !"

A man limps into a bar with a cane and an alligator. The bartender stops him and says "Hey, you can't bring that animal in here." The man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick." The bartender says "lets see." So, the man whips out his shlong and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts whacking the gator in the head. By now a crowd has gathered around and everyone is astonished when he pulls his dick out without a scratch. He looks around and says, "does anyone else want to try?" This old lady raises her hand and says... "Sure but dont hit me with that stick."

A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the bar and notices a guy across the room downing shot after shot of whiskey. After about 6 shots the man gets up, goes to the window, opens it and jumps out.

The man at the bar, shocked, runs to the window and looks down. Right before the man is going to hit the ground a gust of wind picks him up and sets him gently on the ground.

The man sits back down at the bar, amazed. Then the guy that had jumped out the window comes in and downs a few more shots, goes to the window, and jumps out. Again, right before he hits the ground a gust of wind picks him up and sets him gently on the ground.

A minute later he's back up in the bar. The man sitting at the bar asks him how he did that. He said," There's alot of wind down there and it always sets you down with no harm done."

"What the hell, I'm a daring guy anyway." So the man gets up, goes to the window, jumps out and falls straight to the ground.

The other man starts busting up laughing.

Then bartender then says to him," You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk"

A man walks into the bar and orders three double-shots of vodka. The bartender asks, "that's a lot of liquor, what's the problem?" The man replies, "I just found out my younger brother was gay." The next day, he comes back and orders the same thing. The bartender asks, "What's wrong now?" The man says, "I just found out that my older brother is gay." The next day, he comes in again, and orders the same thing. The bartender asks, "Man, isn't there anyone in your family that likes women?" He replies, "yeah, my wife."

A man goes into this bar and says to the bartender "I bet you fifty dollars that I can piss in a shot glass that is ten feet away with my hands tied behind my back and I'll even be blindfolded."

The bartender sees this as some easy money and agrees. The guy takes out his dick and the bartender blindfolds him, ties his hands behind his back, sets the shot glass up and says go ahead. The man starts pissing. He pisses all over the bar, the stools, and even the bartender but misses the shot glass. The bartender, laughing his ass off, unties the guys hands and unblindfolds him. Still laughing he says, "Well, it looks like you owe me fifty big ones". The guy says, "Yes I do and I'll be right back".

He goes over to another guy, takes something from him and goes back to the bartender. With a big smile on his face he hands the bartender fifty bucks and proudly says "Well, here you go". The bartender takes it and says " You know, you just made an ass of yourself and lost fifty bucks so why are you so happy?" The guy replies "Well, I just bet that man over there two hundred dollars that I could piss all over your bar and you, and that you would laugh about it".

FDA & Booze

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING:consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

WARNING:consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING:consumption of alcohol may lead you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING:consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING:consumpton of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING:consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING:consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING:consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING:consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really, really big guy named Chuck.

WARNING:consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING:consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally "disappear".

WARNING:consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

1.You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2.You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3.Your job is interfering with your drinking.
4.Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol system.
5.Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
6.The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7.Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8.24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? I think not.
9.Two hands and just one mouth. Now that's a drinking problem.
10.When you can focus better with one eye closed.
11.The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
12.Every woman you see has an exact twin.
13.You fall off the floor.
14.Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
15.Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner.
16.The glass keeps missing your mouth.
17.Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
18.Mosquitos catch a buzz after attacking you.
19.At an AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is.....uh.....
20.Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
21.The whole bar says "hi" when you come in.
22.You think the four basic food groups are Caffeine Nicotine, Alcohol, & Women.
23.Every night your finding your roommate's cat more & more attractive.
24.Roseanne looks good.
25.Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of a glass.
26.You have reserved parking at the liquor store.
27.You've fallen and you can't get up.
28.Beer tender! Get me another Bar!
29.The shrubbery is drunk too, from the frequent watering.
30.Take me drunk, I'm home!!

No, really, I'm OK to drive.
MEANING: I'm wasted and should have someone bring me home but I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going home with.

I'm not used to these darts.
MEANING: I'm not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this bombed.

Let's go out to my car and get some cigarettes. (w/ opposite sex)
MEANING: You would look great face down in my lap.

You get this one, next round is on me.
MEANING: We won't be here long enough to get another round.

I'll get this one, next one is on you.
MEANING: This place has dollar drafts, the beers are $4.50 a pop at the next bar.

I haven't seen you around here for a long time.
MEANING: You stuck up little bitch, too good for your old friends??
Hey, where is that friend of yours?
MEANING: I have no interest whatsoever in talking to you, other than that you're a way to get your friend into a compromising position.

Lets get out of here.
MEANING: I just dumped a half a pitcher of beer into that Harley guy's helmet.

Can I get a glass of white Zinfindel. (female)
MEANING: I'm easy.

Can I get a glass of white Zinfindel. (male)
MEANING: I'm gay.

Ever try a body shot? (male to female)
MEANING: I am even willing to do a tequila shot if it means that I get to lick you.

Ever try a body shot? (female to male)
MEANING: If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home.

Look at that girl leaving with 5 guys.
MEANING: Take a good look now because next time you see that face it will be on the back of a milk carton.

I don't feel well, let's go home. (female)
MEANING: You are paying more attention to your friends than me.

I don't feel well, let's go home. (male)
MEANING: I'm horny.

I've had like 10 beers already.
MEANING: I've only had 3, but I need an excuse to behave this way.

Who's got the next round?
MEANING: I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.

I'm getting my life back together.
MEANING: Are you kidding? Would I be in a place like this, rocked off my as, if I had my act together? I'm a mess; fear and avoid me like the plague.

Excuse me. (male to female)
MEANING: I am going to grope you.

Excuse me. (male to male)
MEANING: Get the fuck out of the way.

Excuse me. (female to male)
MEANING: Don't even think about groping me, just get the fuck out of the way.

Excuse me. (female to female)
MEANING: Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho. Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.

I'm out of here, I have to work in the morning.
MEANING: I owe that guy who just walked in the door $100 bucks and have been avoiding him since football season.

What do you have on tap?
MEANING: What's cheap?

You go ahead, I'll catch a cab.
MEANING: I already lined up a ride home with your ex-girlfriend.

That person looks really familiar.
MEANING: Did I sleep with him/her.

Can I just get a glass of water? (female)
MEANING: I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.

Can I just get a glass of water? (male)
MEANING: It's 9:00 am and I just stopped drinking about 90 minutes ago. Hell, I probably dropped half of my paycheck in here last night, it is the least you can do for me.

Do you have any Wild Turkey.
MEANING: I want to make my friend really sick so we can all laugh at him in the morning.

I don't have my ID on me.
MEANING: I'm 19.
Or
MEANING: I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a .4 last time I was in here.

It's OK, I'll just go home with him.
MEANING: There's a good chance that my life will end up as the Monday Night Shocker Movie on NBC.

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours, when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.

The bartender, concerned because it was cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back seat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.

The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing.

"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.

"That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself, and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill."

In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"

The drunk replies, "You!!?? No way! You get too violent when you drink."

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
- Ernest Hemmingway -

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
- Winston Churchill -

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
- Catherine Zandonella -

A woman drove me to drink, and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
- W.C. Fields -

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
- Lady Astor to Winston Churchill -

Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
- His Reply -

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
- David Daye -

Work is the curse of the drinking class.
- Oscar Wilde -

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
- Henny Youngman -

Beer is proof that God loves us, and wants us to be happy.
- Benjamin Franklin -

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
- Deep Thought, Jack Handy -

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
- Dave Barry -

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
- Humphrey Bogart -