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Jokes 1

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, he says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

A guy who has already had quite a few beers enters an already very busy bar and says to the bartender, give me a beer, give everyone in the place a beer and have one yourself. The bartender serves everyone a beer and draws one for himself. He walks over to the benefactor, toasts him and asks for his money. The man tells him that ran out of money a long while back. The bartender physically ejects him from the bar and deposits him prone on the sidewalk. The man picks himself up and strides back into bar. He crawls on a stool and says to the bartender "give me a beer and give everyone here a beer, but none for you, you get too mean when you drink".

Tony and Harold, two avid fisherman and well-known drunks, were out in a boat on their favourite lake one day drowning some worms and polishing off some brews. Suddenly, Tony got what he thought was a nibble. Reeling it in he found a bottle with a cork in it. Naturally curious, he uncorked the bottle and a large genie appeared. The genie said "I will grant you one wish." Tony thought for a second and said "I wish this whole lake was beer." Poof! His wish came true. The lake was now filled with their favourite brew. Harold looked at Tony in disgust and said "you asshole, now we have to piss in the boat."
Bubba and Bubba Jr. were driving down an Arkansas back road drinkin' some Budweisers when they spotted a Police roadblock ahead. Bubba Jr says: 'Dad, are we gonna get caught drinking and driving agin?' Bubba pulls off the road and says: No, son. Finish your beer, peel off the label and stick it on your forehead, stash the bottle under the seat and I'll do the talkin' They pull up to the roadblock and are stopped, the officer asks 'You boyz been drinkin?' No, Bubba says, we're on the patch!

Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks what's wrong. "I've puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me." The other drunk says "do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned." "Sounds like a great idea" says drunk number 1. When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is. The drunk starts spinning the lie and says " look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my shirt pocket." His wife looks in the pocket and finds twenty dollars. "Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy gave you ten for puking on you," says the wife. "He did," says the drunk. "But he shit in my pants too."

Yesterday, scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started to talk nonsense and couldn't drive.

A-Alcohol:The key to surviving college
B-Beer:The most disgusting alcohol of all, but great for chugging
C-Class:What you're supposed to get up and go to after a Thursday night party
D-Dancing:A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks pathetic
E-Emergency:The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in your drinking party
F-Fucked Up:Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out
G-Games:Anything that involves cards, dice and chugging beers
H-Hang-over:Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drank
I-Idiot:The guy that spilled his beer on you and everyone else at the party
J-Jail:Where you'll end up after trying to use a fake ID or stagger home
K-Kissing:What you'll do to anything that moves after 15 beers
L-Lord:Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol
M-Money:That which you no longer have due to too much partying
N-Not Again!:What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don't know
O-Oh shit!-What you say as you're falling down the stairs.
P-Pee:What you have to do every five minutes while you're drinking beer
Q-quilt:What you puked on last night in bed and have to clean in the morning-YUCK!
R-Reform:What you promise god you will do while you're puking in the toilet
S-Sex:What you did with that person you met last night while you were drunk
T-Ten:The number of beers it takes ME to get drunk
U-Underage:Most of the drinking population in college town
V-Vodka:The mother of all alcohols and the best way to get drunk in an hour
W-Worm:The part of Tequila that reminds you of Biology class tomorrow
X-X-Ray:How they can see into your stomach before they pump it
Y-Yourself:The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every week-end
Z-Zoned:How you will be for the next 12 hours following drinking

A string walks into a bar, hops on the bar stool, and says, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender says, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve strings here." Disappointed, the string hops down from the stool and goes to the next bar. He hops on the bar stool and says, again, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender says, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve strings here." The string continues down the row of bars in this fashion. At every bar, he hops on the barstool and says, "Bartender, gimme a beer." Each time, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve strings here." Finally he gets to the last bar in the area. He's tired, he's sweaty, all he wants is a beer. He trudges inside, climbs on the barstool, and says, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender says, "I'm sorry, sir, we don't serve strings here." Pissed off, the string walks outside to think. He's a hard-working string. He deserves a beer. Finally, he comes up with an idea. He twists himself up and musses up his hair, then heads back into the bar. "Bartender, gimme a beer!" Bartender says, "Hey, aren't you that string that was in here a few minutes ago?" The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

A guy was watching the game, drinking a few beers and popping beer nuts into his mouth, when his wife began yelling at him. He turned his head toward her and accidentally popped a beer nut into his ear. Both him and his wife tried and tried but neither could get it out. All right she said, lets get you to the hospital. As they walked outside their daughter and her boyfriend walked up and she asked, where are you and dad going. The mother said, we're off to the hospital, your father has a beer nut caught in his ear. The boyfriend then asked, before you go can I try to dislodge it. The boyfriend then stuck two fingers up the fathers nose and told him to blow. The father blew and out popped the beer nut. The mother then asked the father, our daughters boyfriend is so intelligent, what do you think he'll be when he grows up. The father replied, by the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.

An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures that he will crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he tries again to stand up and falls flat on his face. So the Irishman crawls home. At the door he again tries to stand up, only to fall flat on his face. So he then craws through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting. " So you've been out drinking again!!!" " How did you know?" he asks. " The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

McAteer arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. "No," replied McAteer. "I've lost all me luggage!" "How'd that happen?" "The cork fell out," said the Irishman.

Q: How many Irishman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.

An Irishman stumbles out of a bar and is spied by a Constable. The Constable approches...
C: Can I help ya lad?
I: Yea, SSSSomebody ssstol my car!
C: Well, wheer was ya car last time ya saw it?
I: It twas at the end of tiss key! (he held up a key alreadyin his hand) At this time the constable notices the Irishman has his manhood out.
C: Hey, Ar ya aware ya expoosing yaself?
I: Ohh God, They got me girl too!

A Brit, an Irishman, and a Scot go out to a pub and order 3 pints. They each find a fly floating on the top of their mugs. The Brit says, "Bartender, can I have a spoon?" and quietly removes the fly from his brew. The Irishman says, "Get out of there!" and flicks the fly away with a finger. The Scot picks up the fly with his fingers and says, "Alright ya wee fucker. Spit it out! Now!"

A Mexican, Polack, Black, Italian, a Priest, a Rabbi, and a Nun walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this? Some kind of Joke?"

Q: what is the definition of an Irish queer?

A: An Irishman who likes women better than whisky

Q: How can you tell if you're wasted?

A: When there are traces of blood in your alcohol stream

Yesterday scientists in Canada revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsence and couldn't drive.

1. Don't recognize wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass
2. That damn pink elephant followed you home again
3. You're as jober as a sudge
4. The shrubbery is drunk from too frequent watering
5. You fall off the floor
6. You hold on to the ground to keep from falling up

Q: Why did God make beer?

A: So the Irish wouldn't take over the world.

Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

A: One less drunk.

A horse walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.
ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up; latch self to bar.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.
ACTION: Panic.

SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see anything in your bedroom.
FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.
ACTION: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was with them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.